


Stag Night at the Sunspear

by RastafarianTargaryen



Series: Stannis Vice [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Humor, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-03-31 18:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3987940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RastafarianTargaryen/pseuds/RastafarianTargaryen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>City vice cop Stannis Baratheon just wants a quiet stag night, if he has to have one at all. His best man Davos is in charge of making this happen, however, Stannis’s brothers have other plans. Can Stannis survive this night despite his brothers’ shenanigans?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stag Night at the Sunspear

The last thing Stannis Baratheon wanted was a stag night. He wasn’t exactly a fan of vice, which bachelor night parties tend to have in excess. His fiancé Selyse thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know her family before the wedding. _Another reason not to have one_ , Stannis thought. Parties were not Stannis’s area of expertise so he put his best man Davos in charge. Stannis’s brothers, however, had other ideas. As the two of them often liked to point out, the Baratheon “fun” genes had not distributed evenly.

“I’m on the city vice squad. I’m supposed to be upholding the moral fiber of the community,” Stannis reminded his brother Renly over dinner one evening.

Renly gave him a playful look, picking up a green bean from his plate and waving it around in Stannis’s direction. “Doesn’t mean you can’t get down and dirty from time to time. You know Varys would cover for you if you wanted him to.” Stannis responded with a withering glare, and Renly ate the offending vegetable.

“Varys is my _boss_.”

“ _Varys_ isn’t a stick in the mud like you are.”

Stannis gritted his teeth, until he remembered that he was supposed to be eating dinner. Renly looked over at his brother, and his decidedly shut mouth, and laughed. “You are allowed to eat, you know.”

Stannis picked up his fork and kept eating, glaring at Renly for the rest of the meal.

 

* * *

Stannis met his best man in rather unorthodox circumstances. Davos Seaworth had been a drug smuggler for years and lost a finger while trying to escape a rival cartel. He gained legal immunity by becoming an informant in city vice’s sting operation and subsequent case against the smuggling ring. Stannis himself wasn’t working the field on that case, but Davos was often hanging around the office while Stannis completed paperwork. He took pity on the man because he had reneged on his former colleagues at great personal risk. The finger was proof of that. Somehow the two struck up a friendship, and Stannis even helped him get a respectable job as a machinist, where Davos unfortunately lost another finger in a work-related accident.

Today he came to Stannis with business. Davos had a tip on the case his office was working against Petyr Baelish and his “night clubs” that everyone in the city knew were merely fronts for prostitution. His brother Robert, the mayor, could have told him that much, but without extensive evidence the vice squad didn’t have a case.

“I don’t think you’d want your brother to get caught up in it,” Davos ended his tale.

“He deserves it, but I doubt it would be good for the family if Robert was arrested. Thank you for the tip. I’ll take it to Varys, and we’ll look into it.” Davos began to rise from his chair when Stannis asked. “Could you do me a favor?”

A look of confusion briefly flashed across his face before he replied, “Sure, no problem. What is it?”

Stannis hesitated. “Could you inform my brothers that they are not to contact you with questions about my stag night? I did not ask them to help you for a reason. Goodness knows I’ve told them this hundreds of times already, but it would do them well to hear it from you.” Noting Davos’s skepticism he added, “You’re right, that probably won’t deter them, but at the very least I don’t want to embarrass Selyse.” Stannis’s fiancé Selyse was almost as dour as her husband-to-be and just as plain; they made the perfect couple.

Davos gave a sympathetic look. “I’ll try my best.” He got up from his seat and left Stannis’s office.

~~

“Stannis has told me to inform you that he wants a quiet outing for the night of his bachelor party,” Davos stated gruffly, sitting between Robert and Renly. The couch they sat on, one of the ones in Robert’s mayoral office, squelched as he shifted. “He said to tell you that,” he swallowed before continuing. “‘None of the usual shenanigans will be tolerated.’”

“Pfft, yeah no chance of that,” Renly tried to stifle a laugh. His eldest brother was not as successful and let out a raucous guffaw.

“You tell Stannis that Renly ‘n I have this taken care of.”

“As Stannis’s best man—”

“I don’t care if you’re Stannis’s left kidney! If you so much as breathe a word of this to Stannis, so help me I will make sure that you have seven fingers.” Renly finally succumbed to a serious case of the giggles from the outburst and Davos’s accompanying grimace. Davos said nothing else. He had been trying for what felt like hours to assure the two men that he had everything under control by himself.

Davos began gravely, “If you won’t listen to me or Stannis, then I’ve no choice but to put a stop to your plans. Good day, Mr. Mayor and Renly.” He moved from the couch with a gurgle and left the room.

“So...,” Renly began once Davos was out of earshot, rubbing his hands together with glee. “What shit are we gonna pull?”

“Wait, little brother. We have to plan the guest list first.” Robert leant down to retrieve papers from the briefcase next to him.

“Okay, so who are we inviting?”

“Well obviously Stannis. You, me, that wretched Davos. The Florents and their unfortunate ears. Selyse has brothers who would pay good money to see this. I don’t think Stannis has any other friends.”

Renly took the list from Robert and looked it over, tsking. “Gods, this is going to be the most depressing party, not to mention the ugliest.”

Robert chuckled. “You’re telling me.”

“Loras is going to hate it.”

Robert’s tone changed at the mention of Loras. “Renly, you can’t bring your boyfriend to Stannis’s stag night.”

“Why not?” Renly whined. “Loras and Stannis know each other.”

“Loras and Stannis _hate_ each other.”

Renly suddenly recalled an image of Loras emptying a multi-gallon container of Gatorade over Stannis’s head at a soccer game they all attended last year. Loras never divulged exactly how he had snuck a big orange container into the stadium’s private box, past all of Robert’s personal security. “Fair point,” he conceded. “It’s going to be awfully dull without him.”

“Not if you got a drink in your hand.” As if to demonstrate this point, the mayor grabbed a bottle of liquor from his desk and took a long sip. He proffered it to Renly, but he declined.

“Gods, I might have to to get through this evening. Where are we going anyway? We can’t bring him to one of Littlefinger’s clubs. He’ll know what’s going on before we can shove him through the door.”

Robert nodded solemnly.

After a few minutes’ contemplative silence, Renly piped up. “Wait.” His eyes lit up like a child’s on Christmas morning. “What about the Sunspear? Stannis won’t know it. It’s past the city limits and not in his jurisdiction.”

“You mean the place run by the Martells?” Robert paused then after a couple beats of silence exclaimed. “Renly, that’s perfect! You’re a genius!” He lifted his brother off the ground, squishing him in a vice grip of a hug.

“Robert,” Renly managed to choke out. “You’re hurting me.”

“Oh sorry, m’boy.” He set him back on his feet. “Now about the shenanigans…” Robert leaned over and whispered a while in Renly’s ear. Renly’s face was in a huge grin by the end of it. “That good enough?” 

“You called me a genius but honestly I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had. And I think I know someone who can help.” Renly dialed a number and brightened when the other person picked up. “Tyrion? Hi, it’s Renly…I’m good. Listen, I have a favor to ask you.”

 

* * *

The week leading up to the bachelor party was nerve-wracking. Not only was the vice department moving in on a huge raid, burying Stannis in even more paperwork, but he had heard nothing from Davos about the weekend plans. He knew that Davos would keep to their agreement, but he had a feeling his brothers’ silence this past week wasn’t meant as a wedding gift. When he called Davos on the way out the office for the weekend, he had more reason to fear.

“I know what you said, but they’ve shut me out of the planning. Robert even threatened to take off another of my fingers. All I have is the guest list Renly emailed me today. It’s small so that’s encouraging.”

Stannis clucked his tongue. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Just reporting back with what I know.”

“Of course.” Stannis offered a terse apology. “Sorry.”

“It’s o—hey, another email from Renly about tonight.” A pause. “He says to be ready by 9 o’clock.”

Stannis groaned. He ended the phone call and headed home.

~~

At around 8 o’clock Stannis took out some paperwork to review when he heard a long shrill beep coming from outside. Before he had time to place the sound, the beeping stopped and there was a loud knock on his front door. He opened the door and started to answer when a pair of hands threw something dark over his face. Stannis raised his hands to remove it and fight off the attacker, but stopped when he recognized a familiar brash laugh.

“Sorry, little brother. Renly couldn’t resist.” Robert was wheezing he was laughing so hard.

“Don’t blame this on me,” Renly cut in. “You wanted to kidnap him just as much as I did.” A soft click of a phone camera sounded. “Loras is going to love this.”

Stannis inhaled sharply. “What in seven hells are you doing?! Take this bloody thing off of me!”

“Language,” Renly tsked.

“Don’t you tell _me_ what to do. I’m a vice officer for gods’ sake!”

“Oh shut up!” Robert dismissed. “Get him into the car.” Stannis felt himself being lifted off the ground and placed into a seat.

“Where are we going?!” He asked as another car door opened. The person who got in turned the engine back on and Stannis felt the car move.

“If we wanted you to know that, we wouldn’t have blindfolded you,” Renly said, sounding awfully close to Stannis. “Isn’t that right, Davos?”

Davos spoke next, “I’m sorry, Stannis. I had no idea this was going to happen. They did much the same to me.”

“I thought you told Davos 9 o’clock.”

“We did. All part of the surprise.”

“If I wasn’t a moral man, I would have both of you professionally killed. And for gods’ sake!” Stannis reached his hands out in front of him, trying to feel around for Renly’s phone. “Stop taking photos!”

“Loras wanted to know what he was missing, since _someone_ felt it inappropriate to invite him. And don’t worry, there’s video too.” Stannis groaned.

 Another half an hour or so (as far as Stannis could tell) passed in silence and the car finally came to a stop. “Oh thank the Seven we’ve stopped!” Davos exclaimed. “Can we take these bloody things off now?”

“Yup. Just one second.” He removed Stannis’s blindfold and then Davos’s before leading them out into the darkness. He and Robert opened the car door, holding onto both men in case they tried to make a run for it. “Here we are.”

“Oh gods,” Stannis spoke with dread. “What fresh hell is this?”

“The Sunspear,” Robert spoke for the first time since kidnapping him. “It’s a gentleman’s club. To celebrate your last weekend of freedom!” The building in front of him was as much a “gentleman’s club” as Stannis was an exotic dancer. It had harsh neon signs that caused him to blink repeatedly. One advertised the name of the establishment, another was in the shape of a spear piercing a yellow sun, and the last read “now featuring: private rooms.”

“No. No. No, no no. Robert, Renly, let us go! This is the exact opposite of what I wanted. I am not going in— _we_ are not going in. I cannot be seen here. My job could be on the line. So could yours, not that you care.”

“Relax, Stannis,” Robert slapped him on the back. “It’ll be fun. Besides everyone is already here.”

Stannis and Davos reluctantly followed Renly and Robert.

It was even more horrifyingly lit inside. The darkness was punctuated only by the same shades of yellow and orange that illuminated the stage and the patrons. Automatically, Stannis scanned the room for something illegal he could cite and report back to vice. The dancers in various states of nudity onstage were probably legally operating from what he could tell. There were no telltale signs of illegal prostitution, not that that meant anything. All he noted were that there was a good mix of men and women on and off the stage, which made it different from most of the prostitution he stopped. Out of the corner of his eye, he observed a couple walking in their direction.

“Mr. Mayor,” the man drawled. “To what do we owe this pleasure?” The man was tall and tan with a little bit of grey flecked in his black hair.

"You know as well as I do, Oberyn. We’re here for the private party. My younger brother here is getting married!” He clapped Stannis on the back once more, and Stannis shoved his hand away in disgust. This reaction only served to make Robert chortle.

“Of course. Congratulations,” Oberyn said in a way that connoted the opposite. “Ellaria will be taking care of your party tonight.” He gestured to the woman standing next to him, presumably his partner, Stannis thought, since he gave her a lingering kiss in front of the four of them. “Enjoy yourselves.” With that Oberyn waved them off to Ellaria’s company and returned to work.

“This way, gentlemen,” the woman named Ellaria smiled seductively. Ellaria was what most men would consider conventionally attractive and her clothes were quite revealing. She led them down a quieter hallway and opened the door. There were several female dancers making their way around the room. A room filled with men, many of whom had large ears like his wife-to-be. Stannis’s heart sank.

“Oh no. Oh gods no.” He blanched upon recognizing the gaggle of Florents now staring at him. Selyse’s cousins weren’t particularly fond of him, but neither were they particularly loathsome. They often mocked what they called his sanctimonious nature.

A few of them cheered when the group walked in.

“Hey look it’s Stannis!”

“Wooohoo, Stannis!”

“Congratulations, man!”

Stannis rolled his eyes at all the debauchery and allowed Robert to herd him to the center of the group. Davos got swallowed up in the crowd while Robert found the nearest dancer and grabbed her for a lap dance. Stannis followed after Renly, who had disappeared to take pictures from the sidelines.

“Why did you want to come so much?” Stannis shouted over the music. “Aren’t you gay?”

“Well spotted. I’m taking pictures for posterity. It gives me something to do other than grit my teeth and seethe like you.” Stannis realized he was doing just that and relaxed his jaw. “See? At least try to have a little fun.” With that, Renly pushed Stannis into the arms of a dancer. He quickly disentangled himself from her and watched the drunk men ogle the scantily clad women.

After a couple hours of one brother or one Florent or another pushing him into a dancer only to have him ignore her, Stannis’s patience was wearing thin. Robert, who pulled himself away from one of the women for long enough to speak to him, noticed this and announced to the group, “Are we ready for the main event, fellas?” A chorus of “whoops” followed and Stannis’s eyes fell upon the stage. “Time to get the man of the hour his first and hopefully not last lap dance!”

Stannis’s mouth opened in protest but the force of the men in the crowd pushing him onto the stage was too much for Stannis as he stood there with a blank look on his face. The men before him mocked his plight shamelessly.

With a drum roll, a woman came onto the stage, and Stannis’s mouth gaped open in horror. The dancer had on stag antlers and a very revealing outfit. She motioned for him to sit down, but he remained glued to the spot, embarrassed. After what felt like hours of nothing happening, Renly jumped on stage and pushed him into the chair.

The woman in stag antlers whispered a soft “congratulations” in his ear before kissing him. She lowered herself on top of him and began to gyrate. All Stannis could perceive though were the celebratory cheers and laughter from his relatives and soon to be relatives-in-law. “Don’t be afraid,” the dancer caressed his cheek warm with embarrassment. What could he do apart from be embarrassed? Intimate affairs between men and women were best kept to the privacy of their own homes, not displayed in front of a crowd like a circus act.

“Enough!” Stannis grabbed hold of his senses and leapt to his feet. The dancer who had been grinding on him fell to the floor. Everyone else in the room froze in stunned silence. Stannis tried counting to ten.

When he got to nine, the exit door swung open violently. In charged half a dozen stags, with Robert on their heels. When he had left the company of one of the many women, Stannis was not sure but it was hardly the most pressing matter. Half of the Florents ran screaming from the room, their large ears burning red in fear, while the other half tried to corral the stags back through the exit door unsuccessfully. Ellaria screamed and ran for Oberyn through the now open door. Renly leapt out of the way of a particularly wily stag, clutching his sides in laughter and holding his camera phone aloft.

Stannis rubbed his eyes in disbelief, watching the scene before him unfold.

Robert’s voice carried well across the chaotic room. “Ours is the fury, eh, Stannis?” Somehow his brother had produced a crossbow and drunkenly tried to hunt the largest of the beasts. One of the Florents was standing on a chair screaming and holding another one as a barrier between him and the pursuing wild animal. The sight of Davos fighting off a stag trying to bite off several of Davos’s remaining fingers sparked something in him. “Secure the other exit! Don’t let the bloody beasts get away! And someone call animal control!”

Oberyn and Ellaria returned moments later with ten members of animal control. It took them half an hour to corral the stags and put them in their trucks. By then, the damage had been done. Chairs were toppled over. Glasses were broken. It seemed that everything that wasn’t broken had been urinated on. Once the beasts were gone and the other guests returned, Oberyn was fuming. “You will pay for this! All three of you!” He pointed at the three Baratheons.

The couple slammed the door behind them and Davos said bitterly to a subdued room, “Guess you got a real stag night after all.”

Stannis glared and grit his teeth at his friend.

 

* * *

 

All Monday morning Stannis fielded calls from the Sunspear, the mayor’s office, and the Florent family. The Martells threatened him with a lawsuit if he didn’t pay them for the exorbitant damages to their club, damages he could not afford to pay. He tried calling Robert about it, since it was his fault, but he was unsympathetic. The mayor was more concerned with doing damage control concerning his possible involvement in the scene. Although nothing he was engaged in was technically illegal, it would nonetheless spark a huge investigation into his character. One of the Florents had said it was the best stag party he had ever been to, so there was that.

Throughout all the calls, Stannis still had to avoid the furtive glances of his colleagues, some of whom had gathered what had happened from the succession of calls. Usually they didn’t bother with him unless it was strictly work-related, but today several of them came up to him and congratulated him on the party. He was just about to snap at a particularly audacious intern when he saw his boss Varys sneaking into his office. He liked to do that, to pretend he had been there the whole time. Stannis made eye contact and stalked over to Varys’s door.

“Boss, can I have a word?”   

“Of course, Stannis. Come in.” Varys waved his hand showily to the seat across from his desk. Stannis grunted as he sat down on the plush, squishy chair. “What can I help you with?”  
           

“I’m sure you heard about what happened at the Sunspear the other night?”

“Of course,” Varys tittered. “One does not forget a story about stags set loose in a nightclub.” Varys must have seen Stannis’s anguish because he added reassuringly, “No one will know that Robert was in any way involved in planning this act. I have informed his press secretary of the details.  All is settled.” The way he said ‘details’ meant to Stannis ‘the details that would make Robert appear innocent.’

“What do you mean ‘all is settled’? I thought I would be fired. I _should_ be fired.”

“No, not at all. It’s only natural that you would want to attend a nightclub, that in no way contains any vice, to celebrate your bachelor party.”

“But the damages to the club! Oberyn said he would make me pay for this.”

“And so he has,” Varys spoke calmly. “Tyrion Lannister paid him back with interest.”

“Tyrion Lannister? He wasn’t present.” Recognition dawned on him. “He was the one who got all the stags in the club?!” He shook his head knowingly. “I _knew_ it was too sophisticated for my brothers to pull off alone, although it’s certainly their style.”

“Well no matter. As I said, all is settled.” Varys waved his hand at Stannis. “That is all, you are free to go.” Dumbfounded, Stannis turned to leave his boss’s office. “And Stannis?”

Stannis turned back around to face Varys. “Yes?”

“Congratulations,” he smiled knowingly.  

He walked back to his desk and sighed into his hands. Thankfully no one had witnessed that brief display of emotion. In fact, no one was staring at him since he returned from Varys’s office. He guessed nobody wanted to mess with the man whose brothers allegedly set actual stags loose on a stag party.


End file.
